I don't like this

The first weeks of the semester? It feels like someone told you to scale the Insular life building in Alabang-with no ropes or safety harness.

The events that recently happened has made me doubt my sanity, for I feel that the symptoms of suicidal bouts are surfacing again. I know that I am doing something but the thrill had disappeared altogether with the sense of achievement.

I know that I study for me to live the way that I want to live my life but what if this studying makes you just want to withdraw from your life? This is the feeling that I usually get when the prospect of failing looms over me but this is only the beginning! I feel so doomed from the start that I want to quit but this is the way out spoiled brats. Therefore, the only thing I can do is to persevere, even if I get the feeling of being defeated from the start, because there is a kind of bravery and nobility in fighting a losing battle.

Sorry, I know that you can't probably help me even and if you wanted to.

This may read like shit-I'm not really in the mood to write...

Induced Inclinations

Most youth nowadays have the unnatural inclination to run away from pain and hardship. They insist on regressing to the part of their lives on which they had experienced bliss and comfort - high school. They always have the desire to take whatever is right in front of them even if it is of inferior quality just because it is the most convenient and easiest to reach. Do you know who the main culprit is? He's everywhere and your eyes have clouded over it's more unpleasant consequences because it surrounds you with it's cloud of comfort and pleasure. Ah yes. Technology.

By criticizing this "Technology", I'm not advocating for a return to primitive life but where is the alarm which will sound when technology reaches the point where it makes people physically and mentally weak? Who is it that dictates what it is to improve or deserve? Have we grown so used to technology that when it breaks down we will forget the way our ancestors do it and panic, losing all will to act?

I observe a growing inclination of humanity to observation rather than participation. They tend to give in to the negative voices within that tell them to go slow; to take it easy. But the problem is that life is not that easy. You may be experiencing convenience and bliss today but I believe that there is somehow balance in this sick universe of ours, one day the suffering that you have for so long tried to evade will catch up with you. This is an overly simplified view on the human culture today and there are many factors to consider, but with a few bottles of beer et ceteris paribus with the two comparisons, we can conclude that.

Do you also notice the sudden abundance of health products populating the market recently? Humanity is investing in it's own fall for the more healthy the humans are, the more destructive nature is gonna be to regulate the number of humans that walk it's surface. And mind you, there are many evil persons out there taking every step to ensure their long life - be careful of them.

Therefore as a way to reduce the number of human scum walking her surface, Mother Earth will be forced to take the following steps:

a. Resurrect Hitler
b. Develop new weapons of mass destruction esp. biological weapons
c. World War III
d. Spawn incompetent/stupid persons that will kill themselves and others out of their sheer stupidity.

This is a very harsh thing to say but only a set number of organisms can live and occupy an environment. Either we migrate, or decimate. And by migrate, I mean migrating to other planets, therefore eventually populating the universe with human scum.
Well, after that long rant, let's get back to the topic. We can say that everything is at hand for easy access for the modern urbanite. Go to the mall, less commonly known as the "Temple Of Commercialism" as I like to call it, where everything is for sale, where you could get everything you want.

The modern urbanite has now learned a very valuable lesson; he/she had learned to conform. What choices are available to him/her other than the objects for sale? What other choices are accepted? Well, the choices that are accepted are made by the corporations owning the mall, so you really have no choice, if you are a typical conformist, that is to say. Also, being in a mall brings you convenience and if you really shy away from inconvenience that much then you would have to settle for what's in the mall. Unless otherwise that you search or much better, create what you want. Therefore, we could conclude that the market can and are influencing the consumers. They could glamorize the image of malnutrition and having a disproportionate body by making a lamp post with two volleyballs affixed to her chest beautiful and of course the urbanite would accept it. Why? Because it's the option that the manipulators are giving him/her and you, being a conformist, would have no choice to obey because everybody sees it as beautiful, so why not?
The modern urbanite had forgotten to create, to see for themselves their true and personal image on what is right and wrong, what should and should not be. The modern urbanite had learned to subscribe to the 'bland tasteless philosophy' that the masses or more specifically, the manipulators advertise to the people just because it would be convenient to take on another person's beliefs and stands.

The urbanite had forgotten to reach to their own philosophies through their own rational mind. Use your mind, body and soul before it atrophies from disuse.

Please turn away from that TV set and see for yourself. See for yourself your own view of the world without the media's prejudice.

A month after the "Reclamation" and I still can't find it

You know, I really can't keep myself in a state of peace. There's always something that I find to trouble myself with, even if it is insignificant in nature. It seems that I must keep my life in a state of permanent turbulence, for when it stops, I can never fuel myself with emotions that stirred me when I am stressed, depressed, angry or pressured.

It must have something to do with my obsession to have a hard life because I have always believe that if you accomplished something too easily, then you must have done it wrong. It also connects with something that I had come across in a book that I had read some years back and it kinda branded itself on my mind. It stated that you wouldn't probably admire somebody if he/she had done something if it cost him/her no effort. Therefore; one mustn't look up to someone who thinks that everything is easy, for if everything is easy, why don't you go up the ladder and trouble yourself with something more difficult? That's the problem with people today, once they achieve expertise in certain fields, they stop there. In other words, they are "rutting" as Nick Joaquin so promptly named the condition.

I think this also connected with my rough hands and feet, as I tend to do everything the hard way just to save some money I think this is a disorder because I still haven't met youth in my age bracket with rough hands. I have no objection with this, I am actually thankful with this because I am perceived as a very hardworking and persistent person (which I am, by the way...) but it sometimes gets annoying when I rub my palms at class, it makes a sound like sandpaper on wood. Very distracting, I tell you.
A month after the "reclamation" and I still can't find it...

What did I do to deserve?

I absolutely don't like the way the things are beginning right now. Some of them would say that the courses we are taking right now makes you dread the future but I don't care. I don't really care how hard things are as long as I feel secure in the knowledge that I will not fall anymore into the pits of depression. But now, I feel it looming over me.

One important factor in this must be my continued confusion on the mixed or imagined signs of this certain girl who I had known for quite some time now. There's some doubt on her intentions, or her lack of it. I spend too much time thinking of what she thinks, if she even thinks about me and if I even stand a chance in her multifaceted world. This makes me feel like the insecure little bastards I criticize. I have ranted on this before and I must never make a complete fiasco out of this one.
Another factor must be the growing distance between the world and me. I feel like I have grown indifferent to the simple pleasures that others enjoy and had moved on to the significant ones. I try to find the purpose of every action I do and what was once worthwhile to me in around mid-October is now considered a trivial pursuit.

Now, I am currently withdrawing from much of my socialization to my block mates because I am simply disgusted. I have breathed in their filth too long and I have decided to cut off entirely. The times for talking with perfect plastic dolls are over. I will do what I want, I don't want to help you anymore; go your own path in life.

Depression is currently holding me by the neck. It will hang me from a tree if I don't get help soon. Oh Lord God I hope this ends soon...

a rien en particulier

I sense a foreboding storm gathering in the future. A storm - a maelstrom of emotions stirring up from the deepest recesses of my soul. I fear that this stupidity will once again surface and threaten to destroy all I have worked for these seven months. It's over, and I don't want to go back for the fear of rejection but I tell myself that this case is different. I have spread the idea that I am impervious to that mushiness they call love in it's corrupted forms, but hey, I'm a human being. Now I am faced with the shameful possibility of eating my words I spat so forcefully from my mouth.

Shit. The past, I hope not, will repeat itself.

The exodus to the "Promised Spot"

Who knows that in the middle of the developing town Filinvest the three friends Kelvin, Themiton and Renel (Triumvirate) would discover a lost sanctuary where we came face to face with God? A sanctuary surrounded by talahib or tall grass, effectively obstructing us from the motorist's view, for it was in the middle of the road. It had even welcomed us for there were fallen trees brought upon by Milenyo's Fury that served as comfortable stools upon we rested our drunken bottoms.

We discovered it when we were forcibly ejected from the premises of Festival Mall's parking area after being caught drinking alcohol there. So, bringing the three liters of beer we had purchased, we had set forth not knowing where we would go, sorta kinda like the exodus of Israel from Egypt to the Promised Land. After walking for a while at the side of the freeway, Renel had a Divine idea. "Let's go across this field!" he said to us with confidence "Beyond this is the Promised Spot!"

And there we discovered our sanctuary. We talked about many things, initially concerning ourselves, and then inevitably veering off course and went into the finer points on God and philosophy.

We thought it would be all over when two metro-aides passed by. But instead of reprimanding us, they told us to be careful and not get caught. They were comfortably warm towards us and as a sign of gratitude we gave them snacks. (We tried to give them some alcohol but they refused, saying that their superiors would scold them.) When they had left, we realized that it was God Himself that talked to us. They were the instruments that He had sent to tell us to be careful and don't get caught. He also used them to teach us a valuable lesson - Time is Gold, RP may be shit but we could be rich if we study well and go to other countries.

I also saw in them a confirmation from them the theories and ideas we traded during our drunken sojourn into that sanctuary. I will never forget that moment when we were lost but the fear and uncertainity was justified by the sight of that Promised Spot. For these are the days that we had persisted, the times we were unbound by responsibility. We will eat and drink, for tomorrow we will die. Carpe Diem, you will say.

This is a rant. I know...

I am seriously doubting my sanity because a whole hour had passed and I had no recollections on what transpired during that hour. Now, my mood had not yet alleviated since the twenty-eighth of october and I had no scholastic pursuits on which to trouble myself with. My mind had achieved a state of cryogenic suspension that scientists of today are still scrambling over to perfect but here in the RP we are now proud to say that we had perfected the technique: mindless television.

"Therefore, in the face of certain events, I am now happy to announce that we have now announced the opening of the ports of the RP to the japanese trash. We are being used as a garbage dump by the friggin' japs and we will put up to this as long as they pay me cash" -corrupt official that should be the guardian of the gates of Hell.

Crap, what's up with this country? Can't you even think right? I'd like to bash your heads with a cranium basher (0.5 second stun, 15%) but that would just be too subtle.
You must think I'm ranting but I'll do what I want - It's my journal...

On Lulis, Politics and the Vain and Insane

Why do they publicize the Luli Arroyo too much and commend her that she did not use her influence just because she is the First Daughter of PGMA?

To those who are not aware, Luli is the daughter of President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and she was wrongly reprimanded by an officer in NAIA just because she criticized the officer's lax morals on letting foreigners cut the line in front of Luli.

Is it that it is just the right thing to do if one is a son/daughter of a high official? It must be because here in the Philippines you don't see that too often. She is only doing what is right, no, what is supposed to be. You don't commend a janitor for throwing the trash out everyday because it is his duty and it is what he is expected to do. The publicity and the manner the Luli incident is presented by the media tells us that what she did was out of the ordinary. Well, maybe her good behavior in the face of the Philippine politics' reputation is out of the ordinary. Fools.

On a heavier note, one would observe that there is an increase in the advertisers' pitching of chemicals to slather on the skin of the 'vain and insane' that one would ask 'Is anything sacred in this world anymore?' There seems to be a rising demand for Filipinos to be in the know with their Asian neighbors. Who dictates this demand? Society of course. But the difficulty in distinguishing which aspects of society is responsible for this heinous act is that we can't place the dot on which is 'socially induced' and natural.

Hey don't hate me, this is just an observation.