The Lengths Man Will Go

Such is the tragedy of a man, driven to extremes by love, only to discover humility too late...
-Arael, in the book Misericordiam

So, then in the day of June 27 in the year of our lord 2006 that the unacceptable came to pass. One of the persons which I shall refer to as the "Unspeakable One" did the unthinkable. He became a dog. A dog in the terms of behavior and disposition, only doing what it's masters tell it to do. A dog of no moral direction, seeking only to become one with the masses, a dog obsessed with the convention that it forgot how to stand up and do the things that deviate from the normal or should I say mediocre standards of the pop-culture mentality.

Driven by false beliefs on love that he learned, probably from watching too much TV, he became a sort of "pillow" on which others use to sleep on while drooling in their sleep. His life has become punctuated with phrases like "what will you do?", "what did you choose", "Do you have this? Because I have this and you have to have it also, otherwise you will be branded as a weirdo." As I have specified in my earlier entries (read my blogs damnit) one has to learn being alone because you yourself are the only one who will be with you for every moment in your life. You have to operate independently, for you to discover yourself. You have to be what you are regardless of what others think of you. There are too much brainless automatons here in this world and you will not help it if you become one of them.

For my case, it is an exceptional one because I have moved in to take the kill but judging the timing and the angle (you have to compute it you see...) it was falsely executed. But right now, I am currently waging war with the world, to reclaim what was mine all along. I believe that I already have her heart, all that matters is if I would hold on to that reality with all the strength I have.

I rest my case your honor.

The Days Begin

It begins. And once again, in the viewpoint from the end, it will seem that the days just rushed by in one big serving. At one point you might have agonized over the slow passage of time and one moment after, you will stop and contemplate that you have beentaking life so seriously, that you didn't have the time to enjoy it's full potential.

Andito ako ngayon sa lecheng library sa social studies section. Nagpapalipas ng oras wala lang
akong magawa ewan ko ba. Sobra ng busy ang mga araw na ito, isang linggo palang hectic na. At papasok pa ang mga bagong kaklase. Sabi ko, di ako magkakaron ng prejudice dahil ito ay kalaban ko at wala akong magagawa kung ako ay gagamit din nito upang kumilatis ng iba. Kaya lang me leche kaming kaklase, ang hilig magpasikat ngunit ako, isang taong intelektwal, ay hindi na kailangan ng iba upang kumpirmahin ang bagay na nalalaman ko na. Matalino ako, di ko na kailangan ng iba na sabihin sakin iyon dahil nga alam ko na diba? Pumapapel lang yung iba na kailangan pa ng kumpirmasyon ng iba para lang malaman nila na may ganun silang kakayahan.

Wait a minute, was I raving? sorry...

Anyway, on the whole, maganda naman ang simula ng taong ito at di parin ako tumitigil sa pagasa sa isang tao kahit alam ko na ang mangyayari sakin. Kapag umabot ang pag-asa na ito at naging pagnanasa na, kakainin ako nito na tila isang apoy na rumaragasa sa mga tuyong dahon na sinunog ko kahapon nung ako ay naglinis ng aming bakuran. Leche ang init init baka global warming na to.

Tag-ulan na, pero para sakin, tag-araw pa. Sa panahon at sa kalooban.

Apologies in the Air

Please understand him. Sometimes he just doesn't know or care what comes out of his mouth (which is sometimes the truth). His mind is in a constant state of disarray because he is currently contemplating a retreat from his life i.e. suicide due to the terminal boredom. He despises mental inactivity so he is constantly seeking diversions so he will not fall into the horrible pit of self pity and depression. He is always full of repressed hate and discontent and if this sometimes manifests in his words and acts, for this he is truly sorry.
He accepts that he is a deluded and crazy child and he does not deserve the love of his parents. But even with this knowledge he still resists suicide because dying nowadays is expensive and even if you could ensure your body will never be found, they will still spend large amounts of money just to find your body, given the current socio-political situation of the Philippines. He wants to go out with a bang and he means BANG with the huge fireball, clashing swords, flying bullets whipping past him as he does the unthinkable: save the world. Suicide is the way out for wussies of no moral fibre.
Now where was I? Oh yeah.
Again, he is sorry for wanting to experience everything he can experience in this life. (What can you expect of a person who always thought he would die early and whose guiding principles include carpe diem, in memento mori?) He is truly sincere but he can't tell you this right infront of your face, he does not want to know what he feels for he is better suited to living the way he wants to.

*These events happened while he was lying catatonic in the floor around 8:00 - 8:30 in the evening

Neurotic Schizophrenic Conversations I

The following events occured between 2:00 - 3:00 am yesterday. The following is a hazy recollection of events transpired in the "introspective dissection" of the writer with himself.

(telephone ring. after 3 rings you answer it)

Arael: hello?you: whos this?Arael: this is you.
(what? you say to yourself. this must be some kind of those advertising scams of some soap named safeguard but nonetheless, you answer)

you: why did you call?

Arael: to engage in some introspective dissection

you: what? why would I need to analyze myself?

Arael: naggagago ka daw nanaman. you need to take control of the situation.

you: oh. you mean about her?

Arael: yeah. forget her. kung di kayo talaga eh di talaga kayo.

you: yes. I said that to myself already. why would I chase the wind?
(silence from both ends)

you: who are you anyway?

Arael: I am your repressed ideas and thoughts. I am your system id

you: wtf! you are fei fong wong?

Arael: no. actually I am id, his split personality.

you: so I am actually like a fei fong wong personality?Arael: Yes.
(a disbelieving silence from you)

Arael: hey, dont be surprised. anyone who has insane dreams has one.

you: oh really?

Arael: are you listening to Dies Irae?

you: yeah. Arael: that is for the dead isnt it?

you: what do you care? I dedicate this for my dead hopes and dreams.

Arael: you should know, I am your hopes and dreams. I am the impersonation of the divine you, the first idea or mold of the perfect you that you witnessed when you left the world of ideas.

you: sounds plato to me. you his student?
(laughter from both ends as a private joke is shared)

Arael: hey, I have to improve your eternal+knowledge=god theory.

you: how do you do that?

Arael: subconsciously. fyi, I was the one who sent you your dreams of that girl you recently went head over heels last year.

you: you bastard. you knew from the start what was gonna happen do you?Arael: of course. whar does not kill you makes you stronger.

you: of course. Friedrich Nietzsche.
(contemplative silence)

you: I have to get on with my conscious life. see you later.

Arael: sure. call me if you need me. Im here always for you.
(dial tone. phone is put back in it's cradle)

you: of course. I am the only person who I will be with from birth to death. Why am I having conversations with myself? I am crazy as you know. Well, if you are still reading this, you are probably crazy too.