Drunken conversations: an exerpt

"Kung kapitbahay mo si Fe at kapitbahay mo din si Fe, tatlo lang ang maaring maging posibilidad. Maaring corner lot ang bahay ni Fe, iisang street tayong dalawa, pare, at sa parehong bahay tayo nakatira. Anong gusto mo 'pre?"

Tiningnan ko yung dalawa. Salita ng salita yung isa habang yung isa ay nakatulala sa hangin.
Walang patutunguhan ang usapang iyon, tulad ng sulating ito.
Ngunit tulad ng sulating ito, di natin maitatanggi na merong punto ang lasenggo.

Ponder this

People say that sleep is a simulation of death for when we sleep, our metabolism slows down, and we become unaware of everything and just become fixed to one spot (which is a bed, chair, floor street or wherever you sleep dear reader). Nothing is done and we achieve a state of near-stasis.

When we sleep we dream right? Therefore drawing upon the fact that sleep is the simulation of death, does it follow that when we die, the afterlife is the situation the dream simulates?

If dreams then are the product of psychological needs and wants, those desires and the repressed emotions of the mind and body, will it be correct to assume that the afterlife fulfills the needs and wants, those desires and repressed emotions of the human soul for in death, the body and the mind no longer exists and we are left only with our souls?

(These statements assume that the afterlife and the human soul exists. We wish to remind and clarify these assumptions in order for the reader to make a sound, if not, acceptable conclusion.)

Sleepless nights and coffee overdose. Free will? No. Circumstance.

Free will, in morality, is seen as the expression of the freedom of man. This was always the case for me but on that dark dreary afternoon while I was reading Nietzsche I was hit by an idea. Free will gives not freedom but bonds man to a different purpose and ironically gives man responsibility.

First let me explain a related concept: option paralysis. This is the case in which an individual, given a wide range of choices becomes paralyzed and becomes unable to act. The individual then cannot make a choice until a “rallying point” becomes apparent and the individual goes with that said rallying point. The problem in this system has surfaced hasn’t it? The rallying point. Therefore, to become an autonomous individual, one has got to have a perfect, if not, functioning moral mechanism.

That aside, we go back to free will and ask why it gives responsibility. Free will gives the individual a free rein on whatever actions he wants to make. But there is still the issue of right and wrong, of good and bad which is inherent in every human being because he/she is a rational being. The ideas of good and bad, right and wrong can be collectively known as a person’s moral mechanisms. Thus, free will dictates that man must act according to his moral mechanisms.

Free will, in instilling a sense of right and wrong in the individual, helps keep the society running properly as each person has responsibility in his own actions and can be punished because he himself made that wrong act without putting the blame on things other than his own will. This then gives the society, the government, the establishment or whatever name you want to call it, the right to hand out punishments which restrict the expression of the individual.

From the previous statements, it can be said that free will was invented because it’s inventors wanted the right to punish and by doing so, they created the social device called guilt.

Men were considered free so that they can be judged and punished – so they might become guilty. Consequently, every act must be considered willed so that every act lies within the consciousness of man.

Man has no one to blame but himself.

You are not alone

I am 12 years old again as I opened the avi rip of Evangelion: You are not alone and this triggered a wave of nostalgia on how my obsession towards this psychological mecha anime had led the way towards whatever thing I am obsessed right now (I change obsessions every few weeks) and put itself in a definitive spot in my life.

Call me an otaku but Neon Genesis Evangelion marked my initiation to the world of Freud, cabbalism, classical music, j-pop (ugh), suicidal tendencies and mental imbalances I often feign as an excuse for various things.

As a mecha anime, Evangelion had dipped into many other areas such as occult, psychology, Judeo-Christian religion and psychoanalysis. These, thrown with the twisted reasoning of Hideaki Anno (the series’ director) results in a wicked mélange of mindgames in which you try to figure out what the characters are thinking and where the plot is leading you into. This is what makes it unique, as Evangelion, 10 years ago, aspired to revive the stagnating genre of mecha anime. This mélange, however, led me to formulate my own theories on the perfection and stagnation of man, along with my current view on religion.

I don’t know why, but what I am writing sounds entirely disconnected, as if the paragraphs are not melding together in my hands. But even if they were not, the words spilling to the ground which refused to come together at my hands will water the soil and recycle themselves as new words as time comes to pass. In other words, I am just looking for a quick way to finish this because I can’t wait to resume watching that deeply disturbed movie, Evangelion: You are not alone.

ewan ko lang ha...

di ko alam kung bakit pero tuwing makakakita ako ng alternating caps na paragraph parang aatakihin ako ng epilepsy. gusto kong magwala.

pero ewan ko lang ha...

a game of catch perhaps?

You know, everytime we talk it's always like this. playing dodgeball.
you hit me, it ends. I hit you, it ends.
now would you oblige me in a game of catch?
I really do want to play it. with you.
I've thrown the ball. now it's up to you.
I'll see you around honey.

Pahiyas Festival: Damage Report

3:00 AM, May 15 2008

I wiped the sleep from my eyes and rose from a short nap lasting 3 hours. After preparing breakfast and some last minute preparations Jordan (who always sees ghosts in our house) and I left for Alabang.

4:20 AM, May 15 2008

Arrived at Alabang and met a very sleepy Jason at Ministop in Metropolis Alabang. Damn, I forgot to buy some smokes and didn’t even think of having coffee there. Went to the Delarosa Terminal and boarded a bus headed to Lucena City. At the exact moment our asses touched the seats we immediately fell asleep.

8:00 AM, May 15 2008

We arrived at Lucena Grand terminal and I still can’t have my early moring caffeine fix. After getting a nicotine fix, we boarded a jeep going to Lucban with Miss Sungit at my side with the intention of sleeping all the way there. Sadly, fifteen minutes into the trip the motor mouth of a girl next to me started ranting about her hellish experiences concerning a failed plan to drink alcohol with her sacristan friends. I frowned at her and wore my headphones. From that moment on, I concentrated on my music and elbowing the bastard beside me. Ugh.

9:20 AM, May 15 2008

Finally arrived at Lucban and our first destination is the grotto. Climbed the stairs for about 40 minutes, taking photos along the way. The view from the top was beautiful. We then went down quickly, which prompted the people to say “Ay, bawal ang nagmamadali dito…” Nyahahahaha! old people. Inggit lang kayo. Haha.

10:30, May 15 2008

Finally had breakfast which consisted of adobo pretending to be tapa (or was it the other way around?). It then started to rain. Aaargh.
After eating, we made our way to the town proper.

11:20, May 15 2008

We arrived at the town proper and were immediately assaulted by rain, which sent us running for shelter. While gawking at the various sights in Lucban, I spotted a beautiful specimen wearing a red dress. I took a photo of her. Haha.
The morning faded into the rain as we intentionally got lost and went around the town of Lucban. The colors were amazing and there were houses with such detail that using a wide angle shot would deemphasize the painstaking effort that went into the decoration of the house. It was a photographer’s haven. Really.
I was hoping that by afternoon the rain would’ve stopped but it did not. God was toying with us again. It would be a perfect day if the sun would shine a little (wow, did I just say that? I hate sunshine.) but things had a knack of not being there when you need them the most. The place was swarming with photographers wielding DSLRs and some with lomos and majority of them were wearing scarves as protection against the cold and rain from damaging their cameras. Jordan and I were deeply amused and we said: “We gotta buy some scarves. Immediately.”

2:00 PM, May 15 2008

It has been two hours and the rain has not stopped and still we hadn’t gotten our scarves. We, especially Jason, were cold and miserable, owing to the fact that I hadn’t brought along my jacket. Lesson: always listen to your mother.
I also realized that I had done so many shots of houses and I was not capturing another part of the festival so I changed my film and devoted it to human subjects.
Still more rain thirty minutes later and I became resigned to the fact that this rain will not stop. Thankfully, there was a woman handing out free shots of brandy in front of a supermarket. It warmed us up. It was exactly what we needed.

3:00 PM, May 15 2008

We found a spot on the route of the parade and claimed it. There was a bench there and ah yes, I finally had the chance to rest my tired, wet and smelly (I think, but hope not) feet. Jordan got out his black batties and yes, cigarettes galore.
Around thirty minutes later the parade finally started. But alas, at that exact moment, the rain lashed again at us with renewed vigor. Oh sorry, renewed? It actually hadn’t stopped since morning.
Umbrellas were out and the wet look was sooo in as the parade went on. I was actually more concerned with my camera than getting a cold as I shot the joyful expressions of both the performers and spectators of the parade.
Fifteen minutes later the parade went to a shivering end and we were all saying “That was it?!!”. Curses!

4:00 PM, May 15 2008

Unexpectedly had a face to face encounter with Howie Severino and I could barely contain my disappointment of not shaking his hand. He makes the best documentary shows on national television and the thought of passing up that moment makes me want to tear at my hair. Aaaaargh! And the rain! The rain still won’t stop!
After that encounter we went back to Lucena Terminal shivering, but with smiles on our faces (at least me and Jordan. Haha).
Drat, God must be playing games with us. At Tayabas, the town next to Lucban, there was no trace of rain. We wished that it rained in Tayabas instead and not in Lucban, where there was a minor fiesta going on. Haha, you could not compete with the Pahiyas festival so you wished it would rain in Lucban? Damn.

5:30 PM, May 15 2008

Arrived at Lucena Terminal and had a meal of piping hot mami before the fact that we had forgotten to eat lunch hit us. Damn, so that’s why we were miserable!
Jason left for Cubao because he was exhausted. We bid him goodbye and waited for Renel. Around an hour and a half later, Renel arrived and we left for Atimonan, Quezon. Finally, there were no rains to be seen for kilometers around. I sat at the window side of the bus bound for Calauag with Jordan and Renel and went to sweet oblivion.

Reflections from an old mirror never looked this... ugly

Yes, Miss L, they say that people have two faces. Well, I have seven.

That aside, the dark side is all not who you are Miss L. For humans are not pure, they can live only through the combinations of behavior that constitutes their relational and survival skills. These are often conflicting because in order to live, we must often go down so low in order to survive, or cope with whatever we are facing. Like hate, depression and general anger towards anything, Miss L.

When people repress their darker sides (we have varying degrees of evil), may I ask you, what happens? They won’t know themselves. The persistent belief that light conquers your soul is simply absurd. Even in nature, the sol invictus, the invincible sun must yield to the blackness of night. But the night, which swoops down on all the world and engulfs it in it’s shadows will be again driven away by the rosy fingers of dawn. Imagine Miss L, rosy. As in tender. Night yields to tenderness.

Knowing your reflection, even if it is an alternate you, is important. Even if the reflected image may look more bloody, more depressed, more deranged than you usually are, accepting it will be the pivot point of your life right now, Miss L. Those memories you tried to repress, all those hate, sadness and suffering you tried to shadow with the reflected light of other people’s happiness is what created your darker side. Treat it as another self, a self which might have been the real “you” if things didn’t go out the way they are today. This self would help you deal with the darkness in your life and the darkness in other people’s hearts. What’s important is that you confront your alternate without averting your eyes, no matter what you see. Because being human is having both of them within you.

Your actions are not important to me Miss L, what I would like to see is that other side in you, that evasive little ray of sunshine that I have sought after all this time. The darkness in your soul only accentuates and emphasizes the light within you. So Miss L, come back. Come back.

(for the fallen angel Maki Horikita and Miss L.)

get me out of here. right now.

Nakakaasar. Dumadami na ang mapangmataas dito. Akala mo naman me maipagyayabang sa akin. Oo, meron nga kayong mga nagagawa, pero don't expect praise from me. Never.

Ako, di ako nagyayabang. Ang masasabi ko lang sa sarili ko ay wala akong maipagmamalaki, kasi lahat ng ginagawa ko ay di pa umaabot sa mga expectations ko.

So don't expect anything great from me. In the first place, di naman ako gumagawa para sa iba, madamot ako. Lahat to ay para sa akin din, pano ba ako magbibigay kung walang laman ang storage room ko?

Kaya lahat kayo, tumahimik kayo. (Ayoko na sa 'pinas)