A return to what once was

I am suffering from an emotional breakdown. The things I have vehemently scorned in the past few years are slowly being injected to my mind, gaining recognition and a place in there.
I had stuffed the void in myself with whatever diversions on which I could distract myself from seeing the chasm in it but after finding what I was looking for, what was once a joy for me was passed off for an empty and temporary bliss. I would hate to say it, but I have fallen into that deep pit called infatuation.

For others, it is a happy experience but to me, who detests all it's corrupted forms, is horrified. I have criticized it and many have agreed with my views but I myself feel these feelings? Shit!
Owing to the fact that I have no luck with girls, and if ever they do like me, I keep distancing away for I fear that if they knew the true me, they would reject me and my life would become indifferent again, never caring if I live to see the next twilight or dying. One could conclude that when the fear of rejection is great that it exceeds the desire for love, then it is better not to love at all.

But I don't want to be like this forever. I want to break free. I want to finally liberate whatever is bursting out from this heart. I want to feel that I am actually alive for my whole life, not just those fleeting moments when I'm stoned or something.

You don't understand do you? Me too.